Photo by Stephanie Himel-Nelson
When you’re suffering from infertility or you’ve had multiple miscarriages, it can be hard to watch your friends and family celebrate pregnancy and birth after pregnancy and birth. I know.
You’ve all heard about my history of miscarriage and infertility, but I haven’t yet shared how I deal with pregnancy around me. In the last 6 months or so, two of my best friends, my dear cousin and my sister-in-law have all announced pregnancies. Yes, it was hard, but I was thrilled for each of them. I know what a blessing a child is and how can I possibly begrudge someone else’s longed-for child? I want the people I love to be happy.
I was so excited when my brother (B) told me he and his wife (F) were expecting several months ago. I remember the day well because I was traveling and in meetings and my brother couldn’t reach me on the phone. B finally resorted to texting me and I read his news while in my very first face-to-face meeting with the people behind the Attain Fertility community. I squealed, interrupting the meeting, and shared the news. B and F had been trying for some time and everyone in the meeting understood exactly why I was so excited. They all dedicate their professional lives to informing us about treatment options for infertility and rejoice when one of us succeeds. My brother’s news was greeted with congratulations all around!
On my way home that evening, I thought about my little nephew or niece-to-be and how happy I was for B and F. Then I thought about how great it would be if we could give the baby-to-be a little cousin about the same age. And I felt that pang of sadness and regret. You all know what I mean. It’s the feeling you can’t avoid, no matter how happy you are for someone else. It’s the regret that you can’t have that happiness too.
As I watched B and F’s announcement on Facebook and all of the congratulations from our families and their friends, I felt that pang again. But I reminded myself that their pregnancy isn’t about me. It’s about their new family. I got over myself and then I debated how long I should wait before buying something for B and F’s new little one. In the past I’ve had a hard time feeling hopeful when I discovered that I was newly pregnant, but I didn’t want to transfer my anxieties to B and F. I wanted them, and everyone else, to rejoice over the new pregnancy.
Then, on Friday I got the call from my brother. B and F had gone in for an ultrasound and there was no heartbeat. She miscarried.
Now, more than ever, I wish I could tell my little brother just how to fix this; that I had some magic words to make them feel better. I warned B that he may get over this, or at least be able to push it from his mind, a little more easily than F, but to understand that F may not. Aside from that, all I can do is tell them how sorry I am and that I’ll always be there to listen. I don’t want to offer empty platitudes that I know from experience will only make B and F feel more alone right now. But, of course, I can’t stop thinking about them and hoping that they know how much they are loved.
What do you wish your friends and family would say to you about your infertility or losses? What helps you feel a bit better?
8 Comments
Thanks for sharing Stephanie.
Thanks so much, Dr. Ku!
Lovely article Stephanie. To answer your question, I think I would just ask for acknowledgement of the loss. I know for some it might be difficult to talk about the subject or they just really do not know what to say as they never have experienced what you or I or others might be going through but by saying, “I am so sorry for your loss please know that I / we are here for you if you need to talk or a shoulder to cry on.” would be enough for me.
I have had close friends and family not know what to say so they did not say anything at all. To me, that seemed more awkward and uncomfortable.
Again, thank you for sharing!
Liisa~
I’m so sorry about this.
I would like to hear what other people would like to hear. I always want to say the right thing and somehow always manage to say the wrong thing. I will say that–I’m sure due to my pessimistic/cautious nature–I don’t moon over pregnancies the way some moms do. Especially until about 14 weeks, but even up through my anatomical scan, I don’t think of the pregnancy as a baby and I reserve any loving feeling for once I know things are looking okay. Since so many of my friends and family have experienced the loss of miscarriage, I am acutely aware of how painful it is to have the rug yanked out from under you. All the hopes and expectations, and a budding relationship is just…gone.
I guess I can just extend cyber-hugs to all my friends and family who’ve been there and offer them a willing shoulder and open ears. And I’ll try not to feel too guilty about my belly extending under our hugs…
Thanks, Marantha. I can tell you that I maintain the same sort of distance to a pregnancy at first, but it doesn’t really work. It really is the loss of hope and dreams; you hit the nail right on the head. I think many people, particularly those going into it for the first time, don’t think about what *could* happen. I mean who wants to live life like that? We pessimists are really in the minority, you know. (-;
Liisa – Thanks so much for sharing. For me, an acknowledgment and an offer to listen was really the best thing too. It’s not a fun club we’re in, is it?
I was blessed with such a great family. My sister knew I was seeing a fertility specialist and when she found out she was pregnant, she immediately called me to make sure I was going to be okay with it. She told me before she told her husband she was expecting. of course I was absolutely thrilled for her. I love being an aunt more than anything, I’m sure I’ll love being a mother even more.
Just knowing my family is cheering for me in my corner and is behind me 100%, there’s not a whole lot that needs to be said.
I’m a very private person and usually only answer questions about my fertility and progress when asked. And when we’ve had a not so successfull month, I make sure my emotions are completely under control before questions start coming my way. My family is already supporting me and my husband through these tough times, and there hearts go out to us, but no use making them feel as lousy as I do balling on the phone to them. That’s what my husband is for . . . and maybe my mom.
Elizabeth – That’s the best attitude to have! Good luck to both of you and thank you so much for commenting and offering your support!