Photo by Stephanie Himel-Nelson
The title says it all, doesn’t it?
I’m fairly new to the Attain Fertility community, but since July, I’ve pretty much been the voice behind our little community on Facebook and Twitter. If you see a question about women with PCOS or a roll call asking for your story, I’m the person behind it. I’m also the one who generally yells congratulations when we have a pregnancy in the community and the one who gives virtual hugs when you share that yet another one of your cousins/friends/siblings is pregnant.
Although I’ve been the voice of Attain Fertility for only the last 3 months or so, I’ve been one of you for so much longer. Many of you have heard my story of recurrent miscarriages and you know that my husband and I have been trying to have a baby, in this go around, for about 16 months. We’ve just started our visits with reproductive endocrinologists to find the practice that’s right for us.
And then I had a double line.
About two weeks ago my husband and I discovered we were pregnant. After 16 months, 3 rounds of Clomid and a cancelled appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist, we were finally pregnant.
We were equal parts thrilled and scared to death. We’ve been down this road before and it doesn’t always end well for us. But still, I wrote about it and shared the news with our friends and family. This news was too big to hide.
But still, I worried about sharing the news here, where so many of you have waited even longer for your turn. Every day, I wanted to scream the news from the Attain Fertility Facebook page because I knew that so many of you would be thrilled and scared right along with me.
In the end, it didn’t really matter. Because, you see, I began to miscarry over the weekend. It’s almost over now. I’m just waiting for the results of my last blood test telling me my hcg level is back down to 0.
I know I don’t have to tell you how hard this was, how hard it is. We were so happy and so hopeful for just a few short weeks. And now I feel like I’m trying to climb out of the big green hole that’s opened up below me. I haven’t been in this hole, in this place, in so long. And yet here it is, waiting for me. Again.
I wish I could end this post on a positive note. But sometimes we don’t get our happy ending. All we can do is pick ourselves up, cry, scream and wail, and then try again.
24 Comments
Thank you for sharing Stephanie. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. A big hug to you and your family. I also send you hope for the future.
Lowell
I don’t know you but I feel compelled to tell you how sorry I am. I’m crying a few tears of my own for you.
Thank you, Laura. It means a lot to know others are thinking of us.
Thank you so much, Dr. Ku. Your thoughts mean so much.
I’m so sorry Stephanie. I can’t even imagine. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I’ve been a fan of you since I joined facebook and look forward to all the information that you provide….I’ve just finished your blog and am crying for your loss..We set such high hopes on those two little lines and when they come up we see ourselves round with belly and first birthdays and dropping him off on his first day of school….Then the worst happens, all those dreams are crushed and we are back at square one. How long do we continue hoping against hope that we will be able to bring to fruition all of our hopes and dreams? Will we continue to put our minds bodies and souls through this torment? It’s a question that seems unfair when we have friends/sisters/neighbors that seem to get pregnant by just drinking the water…..I know this is a tad long to tell you how very sorry I am for your loss, but you are not alone in your battle and if prayers really are answered, then you have millions coming your way……….
I’m sorry to hear your news Stephanie. I hope sharing it with the community is helping to give you the strength you need right now.
Lindsay – It does help to know so many people are hear listening and wishing me the best. Thank you.
Thank you so much for your thoughts, Kristie. It means a lot.
Stephanie – Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s so wonderful to know there are people like you who really get it. Thank you for your support.
Oh im sry..i missed carried after being pregnent for 3 months i didnt know that i was pregnant and then i bled like a dead animal i thought it was just a bad peried for 2 weeks and then it stoped then 3 months later i found out that i was pregnant and in july i had to have an emergince c section and 3 montha aftwer that i had a blood clot in my brain do to my pregnancey (i had pre a clamsia) not sure on the spelling its a condetion that can harm me or the baby or both it caused me to have strokes i was only 20 then 3 years later i had my son i was on blood thinerd and it started to get bad and the docters told me that i had 9 months to live but as u can see im still here and my son is doin great so is my daughter but it all left me with no job i may never work again because of the strokes and blood thiners that i have to take for the rest of my life im only 28 i have a long time before i dont need to take my shots of blood thiners anymore and the thought of doin it at age 40 50 60 70 80 90 years old scares me
Wow! That’s a scary story, Nicole. I’m glad you’re still with us and your children are doing so well.
I am so sorry to hear this. I have had 4 miscarridges myself and it always feels just as you described. I had my 3rd in January this year and after that they said they wanted me to see the infertility doctors so i set up the appt. got my self all geared up and OH MY i was pregnant again. We held our breath until our first ultrasound. My first 3 m/c were all belighted ovums. So when we went in again and they didnt see anything i was not surprised destroyed yes surpused no. They continuted to watch my hcg and it continued to rise, so 2 weeks later they brought me in for another ultrasound. I heard the words i thought i would never hear again “There is a heartbeat”. I was hystericle. We still continued to hold our breath we were only 8 weeks along so I knew alot could still happen. At 12 weeks we finally relaxed (a little). Finally at 15 weeks after many ultrasounds conferming everything was going perfect we told our 9 year old she was going to be a big sister. A week later i was driving to the store and i felt like someone was kicking me in the side. I rushed to the hospital were my water broke. They put me on strict bed rest and we went for heartbeat checks everyday. For 2 weeks our baby boy held on tight. Finally on June 24th at almost 18weeks he let go. We delivered him the next morning at only 3.8oz and 6inches long. I think of him everyday and spend lots of time at his grave crying ( we burried him with my step dad) We just went to see the high risk specialist this week. I dont know when if ever i will be able to try again but hopefully someday i am strong enough to atleast consider it. Anyways thanks for reading and tonight i will say a prayer for all us parents whose angels have been taken from us way to soon.
While all of this is sad and hard to go through, I also have miscarried. I wonder why more people don’t try to adopt? I was adopted and I am so glad I was. If your body isn’t letting you do it then love a child who is already born and abandoned.
You are so brave to take the more difficult road and to be so open with your triumphs and tragedies. I’m sending you much love and many many hugs, Stephanie.
I’m so sorry Stephanie. I know what you are going through, I suffer from the same thing. It got so difficult to deal with that I put off trying for the past 3 years. Me and my poor husband have gone through this 8 times, but I am ready to try again soon. I’m trying to look at it as a sign, and I know that is clique but I think that is the only thing that makes sense anymore. The only other thing I am doing is taking care of my self. I used to eat pretty bad most of the time and did not exercise much, but I realize that I need to be my healthiest to keep going. It at least gives me hope and its something only I can do for myself. I know with out a doubt how difficult this is, I wish you the best and hope you keep your determination and smile, its all we have at times.
*huge hugs* I am so sorry and I am sending you love <3
So very sorry for your loss….My husband and I are in our early 40′s, been married 2 years, first for us both. We’ve been trying since our honeymoon. Finally saw a specialist (nothing found to be wrong with us other than being “old”, found out our insurance didn’t cover fertility treatments(a whole nother topic! Don’t understand why plans don’t cover this!)..but we tried IUI, didn’t work. Then got pregnant on our own a few months later. We were so happy! I made it to 3 month, then suddenly, lost our baby….it was devistating. It has taken me a long 3 months to be able to get through a day without crying….I have a special angel necklace I wear as a reminder to me that we have an angel in Heaven(God tells us He knew us before we were conceived…life from the first joining of cells…) and I found a wonderful box for all our ultrasounds, cards from when we found out we were pregnant, sympathy cards, pregnancy tests…it is something I can look through if I need to. All this to say…it is wonderful that you have shared your story for those of us who understand that pain and all the joy and sorrow..and the many questions in our hearts and heads about why. It helps you to share, and us to heal too. So thank you and my prayers and thoughts are with you…and all the others of us who are dealing with fertility and the deep, most cherished desire for motherhood. <3
So hard – I know. I have had four misses myself. It took me four years to finally have a full term pregancy and my daughter (after 3 very sad misses). My 2nd daughter was born after a year of trying and my 4th mis. It never got easier, the excitement (and fear) never waned, and my heart never grew hard to the pain or expectation. I also never felt so alone. It seemed no one else understood, not even my darling husband. My story ends with 2 perfect little girls – when I look at them I know that my journey and pain had a purpose and meaning that was much bigger than me. Chin up, we women are strong.
Stephanie..I am soo sorry to hear about your loss!! It is comforting to know that you have so many people here that care…We have ALL lost in our own ways and to different degrees, if we are a part of this community. So it is comforting to have people who understand when things are bad, and to rejoice for you when things are good! Because we all know the struggle it takes to get to parenthood. Dont despair it will happen…on Gods time and Gods way! It is hard still….thats what we are here for!
Dear Miss Stephanie, My heart breaks and I so admire you …Sending you much love and hugs.
Thank you all for your comments and your love and support. It means more than you know.
I’m so, so sorry. My heart is breaking for you. I had 4 miscarriages before finally, successfully bringing a baby to term. That was 10 years ago. I’ve been unable to get pregnant again. I feel your pain and your loss. **hugs**
NaMG – Thank you so much for your thoughts and your hugs.
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