I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again — I am an open book. I have no problem sharing things about my life in great detail. Sometimes it gets me in trouble, and every once in a while I have to remind myself that not every person out there wants to hear the nitty gritty about my life.
But for whatever reason, admitting that there was possibly an issue in the fertility department was a big step for me. Talking to anybody about it, let alone my own husband, was even harder. It was admitting that something was/is wrong with my system, and that it needs a little help. And I don’t know about you, but this extremely independent person hates asking for help.
In our attempt to conceive, the act of making a wee babe became sort of an unspoken burden. Any time I mentioned the word “ovulation” my husband clammed up and instantly got stressed out. Too much pressure he would claim. And, I got it. As much as I felt like a failure every month for not doing what society told me I should be doing, he did, too. We are in this 50/50 with our spouses, right? If I’m at fault, so was he. At least that’s what we were telling ourselves, and it became almost impossible to talk about the things we needed to do together as couple to make this process work. It got weird, and uncomfortable and I think it’s safe to say that both of us were feeling a LOT of pressure every single month.
I finally reached a point where I stopped talking about it to him. Not all of “it” but the little things: when I knew I was ovulating, I didn’t tell him. Or I stopped talking about my temperature and what I thought was possibly the exact moment I was ovulating (“No, I totally felt it.”) In my mind, I knew what we were trying to do. He just thought he was getting lucky! I tried to stop being crazy “I need to get pregnant NOW” person and tried to think about things from his perspective. After a long conversation with him one night, I realized that he was just as frustrated as I was, and equally disappointed every month when the BFN (Big Fat Negative) came strolling in like an old friend.
I think it can still be an uncomfortable situation for most couples to talk about, and we still have the occasional uncomfortable conversation when talking about upcoming procedures (“They want to stick what up where??). Infertility is a huge emotional blow to couples, and it can take it’s toll on both of you if you’re not careful. We are taking steps every day to better communicate what this process means to both of us, what we want to achieve from it, and how we can respect each other’s feelings about the struggles we are going through. Taking time out for each other has been huge, too, and continuing to work on our relationship as a couple, not as (hopefully) parents-to-be has helped us nurture each other through the process.
What struggles have you had in your relationship through this process, and what have you done — either as a couple or an individual — to make it easier on the both of you?
3 Comments
The 6ish months of TTC, my husband would almost blow off my constant talking about it. The next 6-9 months he really didn’t want to hear much at all (specifics, obsessing, etc.) – we just needed to “relax” but he was almost bitter about it. I learned his real reason for not wanting to talk about it was he didn’t want a constant reminder of his “failure” every month. Meaning he was worried and blaming himself for our unknown (at the time) issues. After our 1st IUI (about a year and a half of TTC), we had his SA (sperm analysis) and he learned just how super-duper-fertile he was, he was no longer bitter. He was and still is (or seems) pretty laid back about it all. I have always been the one to say “hey my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist – aka fertility dr) suggests doing this…” His response “ok.”
We’ve had (and I think all couples have or will have) the “keeping sex alive and interesting” issue. I too stopped sharing that I was just going at him for his sperm. Poor guy, he too thought he was getting lucky. He quickly caught on though when he would be regularly getting lucky and then all-of-a-sudden cut-off. I’d get a “oh so you’ve ovulated and you don’t need me anymore.” Poor guy
Being a military couple, him being home to actually time the intercourse or IUI is a challenge. I do my best to not let it get to me when he’s gone, missing my ovulation (as is the case last cycle and will be this one too).
I must say Twitter has definitely an AWESOME outlet for me! Whether anyone cares or responds I can talk about my uterus, ovulation, anything all day every day if I want to! Just like preggos, or moms – us IFs (infertiles) want to talk about it all the time. Finding friends, family, or Twitter to have that outlet is a a true blessing in this misery of a situation!
Thanks for sharing! <3
Belinda – My husband has figured out the middle of the month bounty and what it means as well! LOL! (I’m following you on Twitter too!)
Twitter has definitely been a great outlet for me, as well. I’m still hesitant to post somethings sometimes, but I think it’s also because I feel like I’m SO NEW to all of this, that I don’t really have the right to talk about it. Which is so dumb, I’m slapping myself right now. But there are so many people out there who are so much farther down the road than I am, that don’t quite know yet what to talk about. I’m sure I will get there! It’s all about comfort