photo by Stephanie Himel-Nelson
Family is a huge part of our lives. It’s why most of us are here, so that we can make our own families larger. But when you throw infertility in the mix, it can shake things up a bit. I am particularly close to most members of my family, and have always had no problem being honest and open with them. So when infertility became an issue, I spoke up about it.
I mentioned last week about the pressure that can come from family members when it’s time to start having children. Most of that pressure has come from my husband’s family — he chose not to tell them about the things that are going on, so of course it’s natural for them to wonder why I haven’t gotten pregnant again. While my family IS aware of our struggles, we don’t really talk about it. I’ll occasionally fill my mom in on doctor appointment updates, or how a specific test went, but the discussion never goes much farther than that. She’s let me know that everybody else is aware of our “challenges” but the discussion hasn’t ever really come out. It’s like the big pink, sparkly elephant in the room.
I know that my family’s intentions, all around, are sweet and sincere. My in-laws ask because they want to get the party started just as much as we do. Plus they don’t know any different. And I’m sure that my side of the family doesn’t want to bring it up for fear that it may upset us. But is not knowing any better? And is being aware the same thing as understanding? Do you have to let the sting roll off your shoulders a little easier because we chose not to tell certain family what we’re dealing with? Or realize that maybe they are just protecting your feelings when they chose not to ask about it? But where do you draw the line?
I’m not expecting anybody who hasn’t gone through this to truly understand. The frustration of not having the people closest to you understand, or even TRY to understand, can overwhelm you. We all get tired of the optimism, and the positivity. We get tired of individuals (friends, family or otherwise) telling us to just keep the faith, it will happen when it happens, or that things happen for a reason.
I know that personally I have enjoyed reaching out to the other infertiles out there because let’s face it — we are all honest with each other. We know how much it hurts every month when we see that big fat negative. We know that IUI’s and IVF’s don’t always work. We know that no matter how much money we spend, how much praying we do, or how many fingers we cross, a baby just may not ever happen for us. Because getting your hopes up get’s old, and being realistic doesn’t break your heart as much.
But maybe this is my fault. Maybe I need to force myself to talk to my family more about the issues below the surface. Or maybe I need to keep my mouth shut and just keep doing my thing without worrying about it. I haven’t decided yet what the plan is. In the meantime, I have decided I need to focus on other things and have jumped on the wellness bandwagon!
Obviously, we are still moving forward 110% with our efforts in having a child. However the stress of it all is getting the best of me. I need a break without really taking a break! I know that losing weight will only help in our efforts. Plus, I need another goal. So, I’ve decided to start training for a half marathon at the end of the year. If our fertility treatments work out before then, then fabulous! But if for whatever reason it doesn’t, then I can at least say that I accomplished SOMETHING from my bucket list in 2011. Even if it’s just losing the weight that I want to lose.
Next week, I will hopefully have a weight loss number to give, and can start in celebrating with Stephanie every week on the dropped pounds! But I do want to know — have you included family in your infertility talks? Are you glad that they know/don’t know? How have they handled it when you have included them?
2 Comments
I know I’ve had issues with my family as well, Brittany. I have family members who think I should tell them more and share every loss. They just can’t seem to understand that it isn’t about them, it’s about what T & I can bear to get through those losses. I hope some of the pressure lets up for you soon.
Soooo excited that you’re going to do WLWW too!
I feel your pain!
I share more information with my own family, most of them work in the medical profession and have a small amount of understanding. With that said, I still feel like I limit that information because all of the women in my family have not dealt with infertility and even though I explain things to them, they don’t get it. My mother is a nurse, I’ve explained the process of IUI to her. She is still convinced that the physician is performing it at the wrong point in my cycle. And then the stories begin “when I got pregnant this is what I did” begin.
Explaining what’s going on to my in-laws is a very big challenge. Every month we’re explaining “what’s wrong with me”. Then the dreaded comments: “you’re lucky you don’t have to be tied down with kids, are you sure you want them?” They are convinced that if we did manage to have children that my problems would be passed to the child.
December was our 5th failed IUI, so that was an extremely difficult month. We were supposed to go to my in-laws for Christmas with my very pregnant brother-in-law’s girlfriend. We managed to escape it because both my husband and I got the flu. Imagine being happy to get the flu. Crazy isn’t it? I was so thankful to not have to explain that the cycle failed and I just couldn’t emotionally handle a pregnant person for the holidays.
We’re taking a breather from active treatments for a couple of months. I struggle with whether or not it is just easier to keep it between myself and my husband. Sometimes it’s easier not to have to answer the questions. Emotionally it’s a challenge to deal with the grief and dissappointment let alone explain what the treatments are and what is done etc..