When I was a fertility patient many years ago, I was setting up for a lunch in a church our group was renting space in. A sweet and certainly well-intentioned elderly man from the church came into the room carrying a bunch of flowers. Somehow, I had managed to not focus on the fact that it was Mother’s Day. He came up to each woman and said, “Are you a mother? Please take a flower.” I was horror-stricken. When he got to me, I sadly said no and didn’t get a flower. Such a well-meaning gesture to cause so much damage, and never to be forgotten.
Mother’s Day is a really tough one for fertility patients and for everyone longing for a baby and not getting one. But short of spending the day under the covers, there’s no escaping it and there are positive ways to plan for and spend the day.
First, make a actual plan. Don’t let the day arrive without thinking through how you will spend your time. Talk it over with your spouse or partner so they are on board.
Avoid like the plague the venues where you will encounter lots of smiling moms with their children. If you want to honor your mom, invite her to brunch at your home. If the family insists on a restaurant, why not tell your mom you’d rather take her out another time for a more relaxed meal? She’d probably love that.
Consider attending a matinee at a theater–everyone will be at brunch and you’ll get good seats. Make sure the play is aimed at adults.
Do something with your partner that you both enjoy–a bike ride, a museum visit, cooking a nice dinner. Celebrate your relationship.
And don’t allow yourself to wallow. Mother’s Day is, after all, just a day. You are not defined as a person or as a woman by your motherhood status, you are doing your best to become a mother, and your journey is not completed.
Finally, go out and get yourself some lovely fragrant flowers, put them in a pretty vase, and enjoy them.
Dr. Marie Davidson is a licensed clinical psychologist, having earned her doctoral degree at the University of Illinois. For the last ten years, Dr. Davidson has concentrated on counseling individuals and couples who are coping with infertility. She is available for short-term consultation with Fertility Centers of Illinois patients who would like help coping with the emotional and social stresses of the infertility experience. Dr. Davidson also meets with all patients who are making decisions about the use of Donor Egg, Sperm, or Embryos, as well as those considering Surrogacy.
2 Comments
All I can say is…thank you.
Thank you for such a thoughtful, thought provoking article. We should all be more sensitive that Mothers Day can be emotional for women for so many reasons. Thankfully there have been so many breakthroughs on the infertility front far as the availability of alternatives. There are a surprising number of women in the U.S. who are considering becoming a surrogate mother to families who want children. Also I’ve found that the organizations facilitating the process are caring people who have a deep desire to fulfill the dreams of couples desiring to become parents. I wish you all the best of luck.