The Five Stages of Pregnancy Test Obsession

I’m not sure exactly when this Pregnancy Test Obsession (PTO) dawned in our society, but it’s affecting thousands of women trying to conceive. Or maybe I only know neurotic people. But I fully expect to see it as a subcategory under Obsessive Compulsive Disorder in the Diagnostic Statistics Manual of the American Psychiatric Association any day now.

The states of PTO are a bit like the stages of grief, only less rational and involving more urine.

1. Denial.

“It has to be positive. If I just look hard enough/long enough/in the correct light, it will be!”

First, you watch the HPT (home pregnancy test for those of you who aren’t as pathologically obsessed as I am) like a hawk for the changes you just know will appear. Then you squint. Then you try direct light from a desk lamp, followed by direct light from a window. Then you try holding it at a distance and slowly moving it from side to side in the light, looking for the faintest of pink or blue lines. Finally, you go back to squinting again.

2. Anger.

“Darn pregnancy test!”

Disgusted, you hurl the HPT into the trash can and begin to rail against everyone on the planet who has ever gotten pregnant, including your own mother. Then, you fish the HPT out of the trash can and obsessively repeat the process every hour on the hour until your partner has had enough, steals the test, and drives it to a secret undisclosed location in West Virginia, presumably near where Vice President Cheney used to hang out.

3. Bargaining

“If the test is positive, then I’ll never pray for anything ever again.”

In this stage you are tempted to call anyone you have ever annoyed in an attempt to make amends and up your karma. Resist the temptation. Infertility can’t be fixed with a 12 step program. Although I wonder if PTO can be….

4. Depression

“I’ll never get pregnant. I’m not worthy to be a mother. I might as well get a few more cats.”

You’ll cry. You’ll spend the day in bed. You’ll eat chocolate. And then you’ll cry again. You may even torture yourself with a pregnancy movie marathon. Watching “She’s Having a Baby”, “Knocked Up”, and “Baby Mama” all in a row will definitely make you suicidal. Hopefully at this point your partner will intervene and hide the bluetooth, or the wifi, or the VCR, instead of forcing you to watch the entire Rocky series in one sitting as retaliation.

5. Acceptance

“Life goes on. It’s just one cycle. It will work eventually.”

Eventually, you’ll be back to your normal self. You’ll be one month older and slightly wiser until a few days later when, while shopping for more unwanted tampons, you’ll see that EPT is on sale, buy one get one free. And the cycle begins all over again….