Let’s get the update out of the way first! I’ve on CD1 and our last cycle of Clomid was a bust. We have an appointment later this month to figure out our next steps. We’re probably moving on to IVF. In the meantime, I’ve filled my prescription for Clomid again, I’m just not sure if I’m going to take it. We were only planning three Clomid cycles, but part of me feels like “why not try while we’re waiting for our appointment?” The other part of me remembers the side effects I had last month. Not fun. Still, I have two more days to decide!A little while ago I got involved in a discussion on a fertility blog about whether people who become pregnant should remove themselves from the infertility community. The feeling of some commenters was that they frequent fertility blogs because it’s a safe haven where everyone “gets it” and a pregnant person hanging around is just insensitive, rubbing their nose in it. This made me sad.
I have a different perspective. Even during our first go-round with infertility, pregnant people didn’t really bother me. From time to time, I’d feel that pang of jealousy, yes, but I’ve never seen someone else’s pregnancy as a threat. Someone else’s pregnancy isn’t about me and for some reason I’ve been able to keep my own feelings at bay. I realize, however, that not everyone feels that way. Sometimes it can be incredibly painful when it feels like everyone around you is pregnant. And yeah, I think if you’ve been trying for years to have a baby and someone is just flat out insensitive about it – complaining about being pregnant incessantly, complaining about motherhood incessantly, making rude comments – you’re completely entitled to be annoyed. And maybe even to secretly hope that the complainer has an especially long and painful labor. But most people who frequent infertility blogs don’t really fit that insensitive-fertile-myrtle mold. We’ve all been there and done that or we’re close to someone who has. I don’t think we should kick people out of our community just because they managed to succeed at what we all ultimately want – having a baby.
I realize how lucky I am. I do. I have two beautiful boys. But I still bear scars from the trials we had trying to have them. All of those miscarriages and all of that disappointment is impossible to forget. Don’t I still have wisdom and hope to offer others who are dealing with infertility or recurrent loss?
Yes, I already have two children, but I don’t think that I’m “greedy” for wanting another. There is no special baby allotment or rationing system. We simply feel that our family isn’t complete yet and so we want another. This go around, we’ve been trying for more than 2 years and have had 2 more miscarriages. The disappointment that I feel every month is just as real; the sorrow I felt with each miscarriage was just as painful. Don’t I deserve support too?
This isn’t a competition. Someone will always have a sadder story than the next. Let’s support everyone.
How many of you are dealing with secondary infertility? Whether you are dealing with primary or secondary infertility, how do you feel about having pregnant women and mothers in your community?
9 Comments
I had secondary infertility. It took 19 months, two rounds of Clomid and a really fun HSG to conceive our second daughter. I found it so difficult to hear about other’s pregnancies, particularly those who “accidentally” got pregnant. Even though I was happy for them, it only deepened my depression and what I felt was a personal agony. Numerous people told me I should be grateful to have one healthy, happy child…and I was and I am. But that didn’t stop my desire to have a sister or brother for my firstborn. I agree that there isn’t some special baby allotment or rationing system, but people who don’t experience infertility or don’t want more children than they already have really don’t get it. Infertility sucks, no matter if it’s primary, secondary or otherwise. When I did get pregnant with our second child, I tried to keep in mind that I had friends and family who were dealing with infertility…and I tried to not complain to them or on Facebook where they’d have to read about it. I truly hope you have another bundle of joy to raise, Stephanie. I’ll be thinking about you.
Lisa – Thank you so much. It’s wonderful to know that some people do get it, but I really wish your path had been easier.
My husband and I are suffering through secondary infertility. We have a beautiful four year old daughter (we only tried to get pregnant for three months with her). We lost a baby when she was nine months old, we started TTC that next month, and have been trying ever since. We have lost six babies total in three years of trying. Five of which were before six weeks, one of them was a year ago at 13 weeks 5 days.
I feel so awful, but I hate seeing pregnant women that I know. I have a few friends that are pregnant after loss, and I love them and am so glad for them, but it still stings. They look so happy, and I don’t have that yet. Seeing it makes me want another baby so very much, and I get really jealous and angry because they have something I want. I know that part of this is still the grief and sadness from our losses coming out, but part of it is the trying every month and failing to get pregnant, and even if I do get pregnant, none of the babies have made it. It’s heartbreaking.
I so hope you get another bundle to raise, and thank you for posting on secondary infertility. Yes, I am so so blessed to have my daughter, but giving her a sibling isn’t selfish, and people need to understand that. Infertility sucks no matter what, it should be treated that way whether you have children or not.
I try not to be too envious when friends and family become pregnant, but with 3 years of trying rapidly approaching it gets more and more difficult. I cried for a couple of weeks when my older sister told me she was ‘finally’ pregnant, they had been trying for 3 whole months. Not that I’m not thrilled for her because I truely am. It just becomes more and more difficult to believe that it will eventually be my turn when where ever I look there are other women who are pregnant, I currently know 7 women who are either pregnant or just had their babies. My husband tries to be supportive it just doesn’t seem to be enough sometimes. Especially since we have yet to have even a glimmer of a positive pregnancy test.
I cry after going through the baby section in stores but isn’t going to stop me from being happy for those around me and their new/soon to be bundles of joy.
I’m so happy that u posted this:) I have been dealing with the upset of everyone around me being pregnant and it just upsets me so much, not really anything against them just makes me feel less of a woman. We have a perfect lil boy who is almost 3 and people always ask if we r going to have anymore, but as soon as u start to say something about infertility they just say well u have one child that should be enough. We love our son so much, but we really want to give him a sister or brother. My sis-in-law announced her pregnancy to me via text after she had been at my house discussing her marriage falling apart, and she def didn’t want any more children(4 kids from previous marriages) and it just crushed me:*( I deleted her from my FB friends(childish I know) I was so mad and hurt didn’t know what else to do b/c she was posting every 5 minutes about how misreable she already was at 4 weeks preggo and I would give anything to be having morning sickness right now… Although I finally talked to her and explained how I felt she is still kinda heartless when talking about her pregnancy around me:( We are really thinking of stepping back and maybe checking into adoption. Good luck to u and prayers for a baby for u and us:)
Lisa, I totally understand. I am one of those who ‘should be lucky as I already have a wonderful child’ but feel that our family isn’t complete (which is actually mentioned more by my son than dh or I!), we were blessed with no trouble conceiving him and I realize how lucky I was. We have spent the last 7 years trying for #2. 6 IVFs, 4IUSs, 5 hysterscopies, a blighted ovum and miscarriage, and now we are excited to start the adoption process to complete our family. I started this journey with pangs of jealousy towards others who were pg, espcecially those who ‘werent trying’ and had no trouble. But I was that girl too, so I had to learn to realize that I might have said the same thing, but never would have intentionally said something to hurt someone, so I have learned to let those comments roll off my back and have a couple of come backs. I try not to go down the road of jealousy as its negative energy which isnt going to help my cause of growing my family, but rather try and support those women and know that its a blessing no matter how easily it came to them. I also know that we havent shared our troubles of IF with others, so I need to remember that for many pg ladies out there, I have no idea what they went through to get there. I get used to get that comment “but you have a child already” when I was more open about wanting another child, but now that my only child is older people don’t ask as much. I honestly don’t think they say these things out of spite, but rather out of just not understanding. Thanks for your post. Good luck with growing your family, you deserve to have it as large as you like it! xo
Melissa – Thank you so much for sharing your story. Best of luck to you in your adoption process!
Katie – We all know just how hard it is. Best of luck to you. (((HUGS)))
Kayce – I’m so sorry for your losses. You’re right that it’s a new heartbreak with every loss and with every unsuccessful month. Best of luck to you too! (((HUGS)))