We frequently check in with our Attain Fertility Facebook community to find out how people are doing as they cope with infertility during the holidays. We recently asked our members,
“What questions would you like to ask a therapist about coping with infertility during the holidays? ”
We are happy to share with you today the wisdom and words of Dr. Marie Davidson, fertility counselor and clinical psychologist with the Fertility Centers of Illinois. Dr. Davidson has 20 years of experience counseling individuals and couples through infertility, and knows the journey well. She is not just a fertility therapist – she is a former fertility patient, too.
We asked Dr. Davidson to answer some of the most common questions that our community has about coping with infertility during the holidays.
Q: At family gatherings, how do I answer the inevitable question: “No news yet?” without having to explain and tell my whole story, which leaves me in tears and not in the holiday spirit?
M.D.: Say, firmly but kindly, “No news yet but we are hoping next year will be the year of good news for us.” Do not explain anything you are not comfortable talking about. If someone presses for information, say, “I appreciate your interest but (my partner) and I have declared the holiday season to be free of family-building talk.”
Q: Should we tell our friends and family that we’re struggling with infertility? Should we be honest about our feelings or think of excuses to skip holiday gatherings?
M.D.: Only talk to the people you know will be supportive without being intrusive. That may be a short list! If you expect a gathering to be baby/child-centered and don’t feel you can manage it, decline politely, or go for a limited time.
Q: Is it selfish to refrain from attending Christmas and holiday parties when I know babies are going to be there?
M.D.: Absolutely not. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise and don’t take on any more than you think you can handle.
Q: When I see babies at holiday parties, I cry. How do I pull myself together without making everyone feel bad? No one really understands what I’m going through.
M.D.: This is a temporary state of being, but right now you need to be gentle with yourself. It is possible to be glad for someone else and be sad for yourself at the same time. If you know there will be a baby at an event, do some rehearsing—how will you feel, and what will you say. Try to locate a safe, private place that you can escape to, if necessary.
Get support this holiday season
The holidays can increase the intense stress that is already present when dealing with infertility. To help you cope during the holidays, and throughout the year, many Attain Fertility clinics offer fertility counseling and support services to patients. Counseling may help you:
- Cope with stress and difficult emotions
- Learn better communication skills and healthier ways to relate with others
- Identify problem solving and decision making strategies
- Grieve and deal with losses and disappointments
- Discover resources and infertility options
Fertility counseling is offered to patients at FCI at no cost. Your local fertility clinic may also offer counseling and infertility support services to their patients. Ask your doctor for more details.
Marie Davidson, Ph.D. has been involved in counseling prospective surrogates, donors, and patients for almost 20 years. Dr. Davidson is a licensed clinical psychologist, having earned her doctoral degree at the University of Illinois. She has concentrated on counseling individuals and couples who are coping with infertility. She facilitates patient education seminars on these topics, leads several support groups, is widely published in the fertility field and has been an invited speaker at many professional meetings. To speak with Dr. Davidson or to schedule a consultation at the Fertility Centers of Illinois, call (312) 253-4585.
