What NOT to say to the infertile this holiday

The holidays are hard for infertile couples. Yes, we’re thrilled for you and your 6 children, but it hurts.  Because we’re human. So…. if there’s a couple in your family that doesn’t have kids, try not to bring it up.

My husband has a rule of thumb he likes to use for determining when a woman is pregnant. He says “If I see the baby coming out, I can assume she’s pregnant and congratulate her.”  Now putting aside the awkwardness of witnessing someone other than a loved one give birth, I think this “be absolutely sure” rule works for infertility too. Unless you are a very close friend or family member, it’s best to assume there’s a reason the couple that wants children hasn’t yet announced a pending bundle of joy. After all, approximately 1 in 7 couples will have trouble conceiving.

But maybe you do know that there is trouble in conception paradise. That doesn’t mean you have free reign to ask or say anything. Something you may think is a benign comment, might be incredibly hurtful when viewed through the infertility lens. So here’s a list of things you definitely shouldn’t say to a couple dealing with infertility or miscarriage:

1. “So when are you going to have kids?” In case you skipped over the first paragraph!
2. “I can’t believe you’re going to skip the holiday party. Even if there are going to be 12 pregnant women and 14 brand new babies. Suck it up!” Don’t use guilt. We feel guilty enough already, but sometimes we have to remove ourselves from situations that can be devastatingly painful. Just let us deal with it in our own way and try to understand.
3. “You’re so lucky that you all this free time! I swear I’m always… (insert complaint about your children here).”
4. “You’re so lucky to have all this couple time! I swear we never… (insert complaint about your children here).”
5. “You’re so lucky to still have your figure! I swear my… (insert complaint about your post-partum body here) sags.” Are we seeing a pattern yet?
6. “If you’re meant to have children, it will happen.” Same goes with invoking God or any higher power. Infertility is a disease. You wouldn’t tell someone with cancer that they were meant to have it, now would you?
7. “I’m so sorry about your miscarriage. Would you like to hold my adorable baby?” We may hold the baby, but we also may jostle her a lot so that she throws up all over your new boots.  You’ve been warned.
8. “Just relax and it will happen!” Two things will go through our minds. First, why don’t you try sex on a schedule and conception by petri dish and speculum and see just how relaxed you are. Second, “Seriously? Seriously!?”
9. “Why don’t you just adopt? Infertility treatments seem like such a waste when there are so many kids that already need good homes.” We may honestly answer you here. Adoption is expensive and not for everyone. Some people may not even meet the rigorous requirements of adoption agencies. So, we’ll probably tell you all this first. If you keep pushing, we may say “Why didn’t you adopt? Having a biological child seems like such a waste when there are so many kids that already need good homes.” I think you get the idea.
10. “It wasn’t a real baby yet anyway.” Umm…. do I have to say more? No matter how early the miscarriage, a couple is mourning the loss of hopes and dreams. Be sensitive.

What should you say to an infertile couple during the holiday season? “I’m so sorry for what you’re going through and I’ll be hoping (or praying) that your holiday wish comes true.”  We may cry, but I guarantee we will love you for it.