Today was the day of my saline infusion sonogram, the last test before T and I start IVF later this month. Our 2012 theme is “New Year, New Baby!” But, unfortunately, I started out the day on a bad note. My husband annoyed me before I even backed my car out of the garage. Then it seemed like every driver on the road was trying to cut me off or make me as late as humanly possible by driving 15 miles under the speed limit!
When I got to my RE’s office, I found out that I had to fill out paperwork and that annoyed me too. I found myself nearly gouging my name into the paper with the pen, frustrated at having to fill out an entirely new patient information form when only my insurance had changed. Then, while I was trying to figure out how to snap the pen in half without getting ink all over my new grey Christmas sweater, it hit me. I realized that I wasn’t annoyed at other drivers or my family or my insurance forms. (Well, I mean I was, but not that much.) I’m frustrated and scared about what’s to come. IVF, I mean.
You see, the week of Christmas, T and I had an appointment with my doctor and we officially got the ball rolling for our IVF cycle. We came home with a packet of financial information, information about drug protocols, patient studies, ordering medication, prescription forms for HIV tests and antibiotics, and, well, a whole lot of fear. And we’re not just talking about a fear of all those needles I’ll need to inject into myself.
Don’t get me wrong, the clinic has answered every question we have and everyone is more than happy to hold my hand. But our fear of the unknown is still there. Well, and the fear of spending a whole boat load of money without success. And let’s face it, I’m still freaked out about the intramuscular needle thing. That’s why I’m so glad that I have so many knowledgeable and supportive people to talk to about this IVF journey. The Attain Fertility community on Facebook is so supportive and I’ve been able to hang out on the BabyCenter.com board Actively Trying: The Next Level this month. (Attain Fertility and Baby Center have teamed up for the month, so you can catch me there for another few days.)
How do you keep the fear at bay and stay optimistic? Do you have a favorite online community or blog? Do you talk with family and friends? Do you find yourself tempted to eat an entire pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream? Or is that just me?!
Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, the saline sonogram went just fine. Apparently I have a “beautiful” uterus. So there’s always that!
4 Comments
Glad the u/s went well.
I write to keep the fears at bay I write the negative down and let it go; then I write the good and focus on that. I follow your story and it’s nice to know we aren’t alone.
Thanks, Bailie! It really does help to write it down and put it out there, doesn’t it?
I am looking for a companion for this crazy ride. Thanks for posting your story! My DH and I are beginning the IVF process this month too. I am a little scared, but mostly optimistic. I have already started the “down-regulation” shots and yet I spend most of my time trying not to think about it. Does that make any sense? I’m afraid if I think about it too much I’ll either be completely obsessed or a complete stress ball. I have been considering blogging about our journey, but something is holding me back. I really appreciate you having the courage to share with us.
Rachel – Thank you so much for your comment on my post. We can be IVF cycle buddies! Best of luck to you!