We are rolling out a new blog feature called Ask Attain Fertility. Each month, we’ll be asking one of our Attain Fertility experts to answer your questions.
Our first edition of Ask Attain Fertility runs in honor of our amazing life partners. The value that our partners provide is immeasurable, especially when facing such huge life challenges like infertility. Of course, as wonderful as our relationships are, they are not always easy!
We asked our Facebook community: What do you wish you could ask a sex therapist or marriage counselor if you had the chance?
Dr. Marie Davidson, clinical psychologist at the Fertility Centers of Illinois, responds to your questions below.
Q: After spending so many months and years trying to conceive without success, sex has lost its spontaneity. It often feels like a chore, and it is often on a schedule. How can we make it more fun and pleasurable? Is it possible to keep the passion and intimacy alive when trying to get pregnant?
A: This is challenging. It is important to talk to your partner about how trying to conceive has affected your sex life. Having sex “on demand” in your fertile time sucks the joy out of what used to be a lot more spontaneous and fun. Although, remember this—when you were dating and being intimate, it was not all that spontaneous! You anticipated it and looked forward to being together. You can still do this, in your “married and trying” state. Try this: plan a “sex date” and look forward to it. Plan it during a time that you won’t be able get pregnant, perhaps right after menses. Make sure to tell your partner how much you care about him (or her) on a regular basis, and share how much you look forward to intimate moments.
Q: It is so difficult to feel feminine when all the parts that define femininity are not working right. How can I feel more feminine after an infertility diagnosis?
A: You are describing something that many female fertility patients feel. Men would say the same thing (if they talked about it, which is rare), when it is a sperm issue. The different ways that people arrive at parenthood are rich and varied. In my world, I meet people who use donors, surrogates, and who pursue adoption. The most important thing to keep in your mind? Your fertility status does not determine your gender, or how you experience life as a male or female. How you feel as a woman or man is defined by much more than being a parent. Take care of your feminine self and experience the glory in it.
Q: My husband has low testosterone, so he is never in the mood, even when I am ovulating. I have read that treatments for him may cause infertility. What can I do?
A: You are correct. Taking testosterone can negatively affect sperm quality. If your husband has not done so already, ask him to see a urologist who specializes in male fertility. These specialists are often called andrologists. An andrologist can address both his low desire/erectile dysfunction and sperm quality issues.
Q: We have four children under the age of two. For those of us that have dealt with infertility and now have young children, how can we keep the passion alive?
A: Congratulations on your wonderful family! I hope you win the lottery so you can afford a lot of babysitting! Seriously, though, do you have some capable relatives or friends who can give you a hand now and then? Can the two of you go off for a getaway weekend every couple of months? It is not realistic to think that you can have the spontaneous passion for sex that you had before the children, at least not for a few years. Eventually, this phase of intensive parenting will settle down. Enjoy your family, and allow yourselves time to capture some “stolen moments” together. Remember to look forward to what you can have later.
Q: My partner does not understand why I want to have a child so bad. How can I help him understand why this is so important to me?
A: This is a very important issue. Ideally, two people work out this issue before they marry or make a commitment as a couple. The reality is that sometimes two people do not agree about having a child. Unfortunately, this issue doesn’t lend itself to a compromise (you can’t have half a baby). But it is a life goal that is very important for most people. This is a very tough issue to work through and you may need to get some professional help for this.
Marie Davidson, Ph.D. has been involved in counseling prospective surrogates, donors, and patients for almost 20 years. Dr. Davidson is a licensed clinical psychologist, having earned her doctoral degree at the University of Illinois. She has concentrated on counseling individuals and couples who are coping with infertility. She facilitates patient education seminars on these topics, leads several support groups, is widely published in the fertility field and has been an invited speaker at many professional meetings. To speak with Dr. Davidson or to schedule a consultation at the Fertility Centers of Illinois, call (312) 253-4585.
